Bedside Manners

So how do you communicate with someone who is seriously ill?

The first thing to remember is that they may not understand their own responses. It’s not uncommon for people who have been diagnosed with a serious illness to question their sanity.

"I feel as if I’m going out of my mind".

"What’s the matter with me? I can’t seem to think straight".

If you react insensitively you’re bound to alienate the very person you are trying to help. If ever there was a perfect time for you to learn how to become a good listener, it’s now.

Under normal circumstances, getting people to really listen to you can be difficult. How often have you started to say something when the person you’re talking to interrupts you and finishes your sentence?

For someone who is seriously ill, this can be a disconcerting time, as everyone around seems to want to do all the talking. Refusing to discuss or even mention the issue that is everyone’s mind will make the ill person feel isolated so unless they are totally oblivious of anything, do your best to include them in all discussions you have about their care and well being.

Faced with a serious illness, people want greater closeness from their family and friends. They don’t want to have to cope with patronising and insensitive comments. They do want respect for their privacy and their silence. Most of all, they need the opportunity provided by you to make contact on their own terms, in their own time. We all wish to be treated with respect and consideration and this is particularly true for someone who is seriously ill.

So don’t try to dominate the conversation or try to set the agenda. I can’t stress this point hard enough especially if their illness is life-threatening. The degree to which a person is prepared to talk about their illness or how they feel about it will depend as much on their confidence and their trust in you as on your openness and the degree to which you are prepared to embrace their suffering.

Instead of making assumptions about how you think they feel or what you think they want, it is far better to be attuned to the moment. Only in this way can you be appropriately responsive. But beware of pity. All too often this is a reflection of your fear rather than compassion that is an expression of your love.

So what should you say or do?

• Take your cue from the person who is ill. Always.
• Ask them what they want to talk about. Ask them, "Do you want to talk?"
• If they don’t want to talk, try resting your hand on their arm. It has been my experience over the years that touching someone at a time when they feel alienated and isolated can make a link often more profound than words.
• If they do want to talk, ask them, "What would you like to talk about?"
• Then, instead of filling the silences between their words with what you are thinking and would like to say, button your lip, nod your head, and just listen.
• If they seem stuck, may I suggest you say something like, "Please carry on" or "Tell me more".

Practice these skills at every opportunity and you’ll be amazed at how much more you learn about other people – and yourself!
Whatever you do, leave your mournful face at the door, an don’t say, "Be positive!"

They may be as upbeat as they possibly can, but in the light of your comment, they may give up. In any event, what does "positive" mean (a smile?) and whom are you really trying to cheer up: you or they?

By the way, here are some tips of things you should never do if you are visiting someone in hospital:

• Walk over to the person in the opposite bed and talk to them instead of the person you are visiting
• Sit down, pick up a newspaper or magazine, and start reading
• Watch the television screen above their bed
• Sit down and start talking about you have been doing since you last saw each other
• Start gossiping

If you have any health or illness related questions you would like me to answer, please don’t hesitate to leave a comment. My answers to your questions will be posted on our blog and it is my sincere hope these will be helpful to you.

In light and peace

Joel