How to Spot the Doctor with Good Bedside Manners

The guiding spirit of modern medicine, Sir William Osler (1849-1919), once said, "Medicine is learned by the bedside and not in the classroom."

Good bedside manners start with the way your doctor talks to you, looks at you, and puts you at ease. Good bedside manners apply in your doctor's consulting room, a hospital ward, in a corridor, or on the phone.

The doctor with good bedside manners is not the one who stands at the foot of your bed but the one who "puts his backside on the bedside" so he/she is at eye level with you-and keeps looking at you while they talk. Eye-level contact shows they're interested in what you have to say. The doctor who can't look you in the eye has something to hide, be it their own fears, their uncertainty about how to communicate with you, their indifference towards you, or simply the fact that their thoughts are elsewhere.

The doctor with good bedside manners understands that maintaining their and your self-esteem are critical, so their will never attempt to dominate the conversation, either verbally or by body language-and they will be extremely careful to ensure they say nothing to cause you distress. They will always attempt to soothe your fears with a quiet word or the touch of a hand, but not treat you as if you were made of delicate china. They will have a sense of humor and be prepared to laugh and joke with you. If they are sensitive to your situation, they will know that being overly solicitous and unnaturally solemn can make them seem patronizing.

The aged are particularly likely to be patronized. There is, perhaps, no clearer illustration of this than when a doctor says-perhaps with an arm around you-"Hello Mrs. Smith. How are we today?" You don't have to put up with this behavior. Betty Thompson, a woman I once counseled, told me that whenever a doctor spoke to her in this fashion, she would reply, "Don't you know how you are? I know how I am."

Some doctors believe that if they become too friendly with their patients this will cloud their judgment when it comes to making clinical decisions. It may be difficult, under certain circumstances, for someone emotionally close to you to treat you, but if your doctor finds clinical detachment an emotional refuge in the face of human suffering, perhaps you ought to look for another doctor.

Look for the Doctor Who Respects Your Individuality

The doctor who tells you there are no more options because they believe there are none denies you the opportunity to hold onto (or reclaim) your valuing of yourself as a person. Anyone who ignores your right to personal choice negates your individuality and perpetrates an act of emotional violence against you. If your doctor doesn't think you are worth the effort, how can you be expected to fight for your life?

The doctor who has your best interests at heart will always keep you informed, provide you with support, protect your dignity and independence, and help you explore options-for your disease and yourself. People feel better when they are treated better. Your doctor needs to be as sensitive to your needs as those of your family. They should always try to give you a considered opinion about your condition and discuss this with you rather than attempt to persuade you to do what they want.

It is your right to make whatever decision helps you to maintain your self-esteem. If your doctor acts with humility and tolerance of your definition of quality of life, they will recognize and accept this. It's hard to maintain your composure when everyone around you acts as if everything is OK and you believe you're dying; it's equally difficult to maintain your sense of purpose when everyone around you acts as if you're going to die and you believe you're not and you want to fight for your life.

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